Like A Hand Out The Window In The Wind

"Days go by, I can feel 'em flying like a hand out the window in the wind!"

Cheesy to start a blog entry with a Keith Urban lyric? Maybe. But I feel like the last two months have gone by so dang fast! I am leaving for Thailand two weeks from tomorrow (15 days!) so I figured I may as well take advantage of the comfortable oasis I call my bedroom to fire off a couple more blog entries before I venture off to worlds unknown.

This weeks topic is Bible study, and I feel like my mind has been in a completely different place during our lectures. I have pages and pages full of writing but none of it to do with the task at hand. You see, a lot of you know that though the seasons are changing in the external world, this is also a time when, so to speak, seasons change within myself.

Something I've been learning about myself lately is that I am a control freak. Independence is my weakness. I feel like ever since I was young I've fought to make my own rules. I've been so desperate to grow up and be my own boss. Have my license, have my own car, my own house so that I could go where I wanted when I wanted on my own terms and come and go as I please.

Now I live in a dorm room. I have no car here. Recently my computer cord broke! I am on the same schedule as everyone else. I must obey the rules, although I often feel some of them are silly, this is the way it is. Things are no longer on my terms and problems can no longer be solved when/how I would like them to be solved.

I'm learning that it really is okay to accept the help of others that I've been trying so desperately to go without for so long. Being self reliant really isn't what I need. What I need is to learn to be fully dependent on God. Ultimately, I'm learning to die to myself on a daily basis. I'm learning to surrender the things I think are my rights, what I think is best for me and let God take the reigns of my life. When I'm in control things tend to go awry anyways.

I am not the boss of me.

I posted this and then I realized I forgot to explain what I meant by my "internal season change" statement.

Well, most of you know that it will be my daughter's third birthday in a month which is very exciting and also crazy to think about at the same time. It's hard for me to imagine what it would be like to have a little toddler running around right now. I am incredibly blessed to have that little girl and her family in my life, I truly love them so much and feel as though they are an extended part of my own family. Others of you who know me well know that there is more to it than just that, and that this time of year has been incredibly hard for me for the last few years.

I have been prone to giving into patterns. Patterns of giving up, and giving into depression, sadness, bad habits, old ways. This year however, I insist it will be different. We're going to be spending the next two months in a sunny climate, and am going to use that as a metaphor to impart sunshine into my mood, into my mind and I am going to break the patterns. Well, not alone of course...

I want the people at home reading this to know that you frequent my prayers, and that I appreciate yours SO much.

xo

Beauty From Ashes

I feel as though I left that last entry incomplete, but you see I had far more pressing matters to attend to. I won't go into detail about it, but it may or may not involve the television show "Gossip Girl" and my best DTS friend Rachel...

Anyways, allow me to explain what I meant by that cliffhanger ending.

Isaiah 61:1-3 has been a big theme in my life for quite some time now. Some of you know that I have Isaiah 61:3 tattooed on my wrist, and that's because "beauty from ashes" was a giant breakthrough I made the first year after I had Peyton/placed her for adoption.

One of my favorite metaphors to use is forest fires. It may not be entirely accurate, but allow me to explain to you what I do know. Or what I think I know... When the foliage burns down, it appears to be a desolate wasteland for quite sometime. But after awhile things start to grow back, and when they do it comes back more lush than ever before. More beautiful. This is how I viewed my life for quite some time. I felt like it was in the wasteland stage for a really long time but then slowly little bits of life began to poke through the ashes. I feel like my life is now in a more beautiful state than it has maybe ever been. That was my interpretation of  "beauty for ashes."

I feel like the Lord has placed a calling on my life to use the things I have been through to show people who feel hopeless that there is hope. To show people who feel brokenhearted and loveless that there is a way to feel whole again and to find a way back to their First Love. He has set me free, and it would be selfish of me to not share the way to that freedom with others.

I want to have His heart for those who need love, joy, hope, who feel like they have no meaning or purpose or direction.

So, now I feel like that is complete. I will let you take a break from my blog now.

Love you all, thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to read what I have to say and for supporting me with your thoughts and prayers :)

Your Love Is Everything

Aloha!

I felt like that greeting was appropriate to counteract the arctic tundra that is Lakeside Montana these days. Although, in less than three weeks I will be leaving the frozen lands and a more appropriate greeting will then be "Sawadika" from balmy Thailand!

I can't believe how fast the last couple months have flown by and consequentially, this time warp has caused a considerable lag in my blogging.

So before I begin to fill you in on the events of this past month  I feel that I must forewarn you of what could be quite the lengthy update.

Ready? Ok.

My last update told all about my trip to Oregon and how I felt that God was truly breaking my walls down brick by brick, ridding me of all my dirty old security blankets. And that truly was the start of something amazing in my life. We returned home to Montana and settled in to prepare ourselves for the next week which was relationships week. I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that this was going to be a huge turning point in my heart and in my relationship with God, as I had been wrestling with a lot of things internally ever since our trip to Salem.

The first day of relationship confirmed those feelings. Our speaker told us that in no way were we ready or capable to be in a relationship unless the following things were true of ourselves.
1. Authenticity with God and others (Rid yourself of all secrets)
2. Freedom from the past. (The first step to freedom is always honesty)
3. Letting go of power and control and yielding to Jesus
"Those who lose their life will find it"
4. Embrace grief and loss
5. You rest and have limits and values
6. Love well

This was all very difficult for me to hear, because I knew I still had a lot of secrets, I hadn't forgiven myself or fully accepted God's forgiveness. Not only that, I was still a complete control freak. I hadn't accepted all of the crap that had happened in the past, and I was still wrestling with so much guilt and shame. There was so much inner turmoil after this, and I began to feel in my heart like I needed to confess out loud to God what was going on in my heart and that someone I trusted needed to hear it, but I felt afraid and I felt ashamed, even though I knew how much power there was in words.

After this, we dove into studying Song of Songs and what true love is supposed to be like. We discussed what a relationship betweem a man and a woman is supposed to be like and I realized that what I've known in the past is NOT love. Love between a man and woman is meant to be exclusive, including sex. Covenant oneneness. And I personally am WORTH the pursuit of exclusiveness.

A relationship is meant to be a safe place between a man and woman, we are supposed to guard each others hearts. We need to have on our minds "How close can I get this person to Jesus?" not "What's in this for me?"

This was all a lot for me to hear, but words cannot express how much I needed to hear it and how it totally revolutionized my ideas of love, sex, relationships and even men in general.

Another really valid point the speaker had, was that if a romantic relationship is hard, it's not right. He didn't mean little fights here and there. He meant if the relationship is a chore it is NOT right.

So, back to me. Amidst all of this, I was completely warring with myself as to whether or not it was important to word-vomit, so to speak, as I felt I needed to. The thing is, there is so much power in words, and I feel like that is one way the enemy tries to gain power over a person. The lies we believe and choose to keep to ourselves and in our head because we are ashamed don't belong there, and if it takes saying it out loud to get it out and realize you're forgiven, then that's what needs to be done. So that's what I did. And that was the beginning of the realization of God's true forgiveness for me. That night we had a worship session and we were singing songs and talking a lot about God's love and trusting him, and I really began to believe it that night. I realized that as long as I had Jesus by my side, holding my hand for the rest of my life, I could truly trust that I was going to be okay. I have it made.

I truly feel as though I have been restored, renewed and redeemed. I feel that I have a new faith and trust in God that I have never had before and I am hearing his voice in a completely new way.

We also had weeks of hearing God's voice and Holy Spirit week, which kind of lumped into one for me, and the biggest thing for me at the end of those 2 weeks was when at the end of last week our leaders anointed us with oil and prophesied over us.

Isaiah 61:1-3

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
   because the LORD has anointed me
   to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
   to proclaim freedom for the captives
   and release from darkness for the prisoners,^[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
   and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
 ³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
   instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
   instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
   instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
   a planting of the LORD
   for the display of his splendor.

I feel as though God really wants me to go out and show the world his love. To proclaim freedom and good news!

Anyways, more to come, hopefully sooner next time...

xox