The joy of the Lord is my strength.

Hello everybody!

This is a little bit of a more in depth update about what I've been doing in Thailand... 

Our first week here felt like a month...we have been SO busy! We played a show at the biggest mall in Chiang Rai, which went pretty well and they seemed to like us because we will be playing in a slot after the new years countdown...which is cool!! Although, it isn't as big of a deal as I make it sound because the crowd was averaged sized and mostly drunk.

We've been teaching a lot of English at one of the high schools and an elementary school here. It's been a great time to do this due to the fact that it's almost Christmas and therefore we have been talking a lot about why we celebrate Christmas...it's been an awesome way to interweave Jesus into our English teaching.

At the elementary school we played some games including duck duck goose and freeze tag. This class ended in a bunch of little girls playing with my hair and asking me why I wasn't married. I just laughed in reply. 

Another night we went to the Wednesday night market at the university and our band performed a show outside which went extremely well and we had the opportunity to talk to a lot of the  students and invite them to the upcoming "connect night" at At Peace, which is the place we are doing our ministry out of. 

We also performed one of our dramas and dances at a Campus Crusade event which was cool in spite of some technical difficulties and hot wax being all over the stage from some girls dancing with candles...apparently it's a Thai dance.

On Friday night was the connect night where we performed another concert as our band, played games, served coffee and just connected with people. It went extremely well and was another great opportunity to share about Jesus and invite people to an exchange camp that At Peace was holding this weekend. 

Saturday and Sunday was when the camp happened, and we did dances, dramas, and told bits of our testimonies. By the end of the camp 7 or more people had accepted Jesus into their lives. This was extremely encouraging and so exciting, and now a lot of those people are connected with At Peace as a way to continue growing in their faith. 

As many of you know this is usually a rough time of year for me. I am happy to say that I can feel God actively at work changing my heart. Not only has he freed me from depression, but he has freed me from the need to be using different types of things in order to feel happy or numb during this time. 

I can say with confidence that the joy of the Lord is my strength, there is no other way to describe the way that I am feeling right now as opposed to how I've felt in the past.

Instead of spending my days in bed, or crying, or drinking or searching for love in all the wrong places, I feel as though I have a purpose, I look forward to the day and the ones ahead of me with excitement and new meaning. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Q-yM4QCIek

I encourage you to listen to this song, it is so true. 

We are all searching for something. We all feel a longing to be loved and happy, and we try to fill this void with anything and everything...but honestly, what good does it do? 

The fact of the matter is that true joy begins in your heart, and when Jesus is living there, that's where it stays. Not that life is ever completely easy, but knowing that he wants to help take the weight off your shoulders and replace it with joy sure makes the burden a lot lighter. 

That's what I've been learning. 

love you all

xox

Matthew 11:28-29

"Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls"

ps: this is a video that one of the guys on my team made about a day in the life of disco kris and the foxtrappers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCm6sRMrNLY&feature=youtu.be

Here we are!

Hello everyone! You will be pleased (I hope) to know that I am now safe and sound in Chang Mai, Thailand! 

I am so turned upside down when it comes to dates and times, so though I would like to give you an accurate description of the itinerary since we got here, all I can really say is that we arrived after 32 hours of travelling in Bangkok, Thailand on Wednesday night (I think...) To be honest, I just had to look at my computer clock to realize that it was Monday. Jetlag is a beautiful thing. 

Anyways. Thailand. 

Upon arrival in Bangkok, we all went to bed. Travelling is exhausting, even though all you do is sit. The next day we set out to explore and have our Thailand orientation. During this training I learned how to properly use a squatty-potty (it's exactly what it sounds like for those who don't know...I used one for the first time today in case you wondered. it was a success) and other fun facts about Thai culture. For example! 

a. feet are the most offensive part of the body. if I were to flash the bottom of my foot to a Thai person it would be considered extremely rude

b. the head is the most important part of the body. if I were to touch a Thai person's head, also rude.

 

After a fun filled day of shopping and exploring, our next day involved tours of the Buddhist temples. They had massive Buddah statues and the walls, floors, and ceilings were all designed in such ornate ways. It was beautiful, but I also felt a lingering feeling of sadness as we observed this way of life and continued to pray in our heads for these people. 

As we were walking from one temple to the next my flip-flop decided that it would be a good idea to break, and so I had to walk around Bangkok sans shoes for awhile. This was disconcerting to me, as stray dogs seem to run the show around here and I was deeply afraid that I was going to step in a pile of who knows what. Luckily, we walked through a market and solved my shoe problem. 

The food here is delicious, in case you were wondering. I have been eating gratuitous amounts of rice, chicken, and smoothies in all sorts of different forms. 

After a 15 hour ride on a night bus with a shrieking baby and all sorts of lovely Thai music and minimal sleep, we arrived in Chang Mai at approximately 6am. Our lodging here, may I just add... is sooo wonderful! I am incredibly blessed here with delicious food, a great place to rest my head, and FABULOUS people everywhere. 

I am so excited to see what God has planned for me and my team while we are here. After all the travelling and chaos it was easy to forget why we were here and feel a little discouraged and out of sorts. 

Tonight however we had a worship/prayer time as a team and I feel so refreshed. God has brought each one of us here for a reason and I am so excited to watch his plans unravel before me. 

Feel free to email me or contact me while I am here, as I have access to the internet. I will do my very best to reply, but honestly I just love hearing from you all. It's incredibly encouraging to me to know that people are reading what I'm writing and interested to know about what God is doing in, around, and through me.

I will continue to do my best to keep you all up to date on the goings on of my trip. 

All my love!

xox

Oh, the places I'm going!!!

Hey everybody!

This is  my last update before I am headed to Chiang Rai, Thailand. We will be leaving in 4 hours from the base to begin this adventure.

Words can't express how weird it is that my room is completely clean and packed up. It feels like I just got here yesterday, but here I am leaving for outreach with people I feel like I've known my whole life.

It is so surreal to me that in 24 hours I will be on the other side of the world preparing to put into practice all of the things God has been working in me over the last 3 months.

Thank you so much to all of you, my friends and family, the people reading this... who have supported me over the last little while. It means so much to me that you are so supportive of what I am doing and the things that God is doing in me. Your encouragement has truly been a huge blessing.

If anyone is reading this blog and doesn't know how to contact me, my email address is disco_kris@hotmail.com. If you have any questions or comments about my life, I would love to talk to you. I will do my best to reply to any emails :)

SPEAKING of disco kris...

Our outreach team has a group of very talented musicians on it. We have formed a band and will be doing a TON of music during this outreach. I am ecstatic. The name of our band is "Disco Kris and The Foxtrappers"

...this was not my idea. But a special thanks goes out to my big sister for the creation of that beautiful email address that will soon be SO inspiring to many.

Some other aspects of our outreach ministries include:
prison ministry
orphanages/children
university (we will be talking to people at the university and also working in a smoothie shop)
teaching english

I know a lot of you have been curious about my outreach and what I will be up to so I thought I would let you know a little bit more about it.

If you feel so inclined, your prayers would be very appreciated for me and my team. We are so excited but nonetheless there will be challenges as there are with any outreach and any team.

Also, I am seriously contemplating coming back on staff here at the school. This means I will need to have x-amount of money per month in order to remain here on staff to cover my living expenses, future outreaches, and things of that nature. If you have ever had the desire to support a missionary, may I put myself out there as a prime candidate?

Something I've really been thinking about lately is how people often say "YWAM/missions trips are such a spiritual high! When people come back home more often than not, all they do is crash and burn"

This is not how it should be, or how I want my life to be. Not that I don't believe people can be effective outside of YWAM, but as for myself, I so desire for this to be a lifestyle. I love that my dreams are so within reach, to go out into the world and spread the love of Jesus to it! I love that people treat your dreams like a reality and anything is a possibility, because God can do ANYTHING!

I am so excited for all of the things that God is doing within me, and for the direction he is finally pointing me in.

Thank you so much for your love, thoughts, prayers, support. Thank you for everything.

All my love.

xox

"Hey, Baptize my Mind"

Greetings loved ones! Do I ever have news for you! Our God is so GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't even know what the name of this week was, I usually like to let you know, but what I do know is that this week rocked me and changed me and my life will NEVER be the same!

This is a long one, but I do encourage you to read the whole thing...


This week began with our speaker calling out the girls who felt like they still didn't completely understand God's love, who went to bed overanalyzing their day and feeling self conscious about everything.  Though I have been learning to accept His love, and truly connecting my head and heart, I felt like this applied to me and so I went up for prayer, along with a good half of the girls on my DTS.

While I was up there I felt like I was trying so desperately to feel God and to let something break inside of me but I just couldn't for some reason, so I left Monday's lecture feeling completely frustrated with myself and God.

On Tuesday morning John (our speaker) talked about being an evangelist, and we went outside on the base and worshipped. When we went back inside he called up the people who felt they were called to be evangelists to be anointed and prayed over. I felt as though this was me. Someone had recently told me that God had placed an anointing on not only my singing voice, but also my speaking voice. He told me that when I speak, people truly do listen and hear what I have to say and it gets to the heart of the matter. 

So I went up for prayer. Once again as we were standing there in a long line all being anointed as evangelists, I felt the need for something to break inside of me. Tears kept creeping to my eyes and then pushing themselves back down. I didn't quite know how to let myself let go. I was standing there as everyone around me was weeping and letting God work in them, falling down as the Holy Spirit was so heavy on them and I kept praying in my head "God please don't give up on me, don't give up on me, I'm so ready to break"

 I prayed this over and over again and then one of our female leaders came up behind me and just placed her hands on my back and I started to cry. Her husband then kneeled in front of me and began to tell me "Kristen, you are NOT a failure, God is SO proud of you. You have a mother's heart, and God is going to use you to bring healing to women around you and to comfort other women."  This was so encouraging to hear. They kept speaking words of encouragement to me, and then another leader came up to me and said

"I feel like someone took you to get tested for something mentally awhile back and totally placed this label on you that made you feel stupid. That was SO wrong. That is NOT you. You are not stupid. You have so much to offer and you are incredibly intelligent. What was that?! That was so not right!!"  (this is a paraphrase, obviously haha)

At this statement, I fell to my knees and broke down before God. This was exactly the truth that I had been needing to hear for a very long time, and the beginning of monumental healing that took place over the next few days.

During our Wednesday morning lecture John had us write down the names of all of the people we felt had hurt us and we had unforgiveness towards because of all of the hurt. He then told us that there was a bonfire prepared and we were going to go throw those names and those hurts into the fire. He also said that there were some of us that needed to go up to our rooms and get certain things to throw into the fire, because they were holding us back in one way or another and we needed freedom from that.

So, I promised to be transparent from the beginning of my blog and I suppose I will continue the trend.

I went up to my room and gathered all of the scandalous lingerie of the past threw it in a bag. I felt really dumb because I had to grab it from the laundry basket, but then I realized "God is cleaning out my dirty laundry for me!"

I went down to the fire and was standing there, and then felt like God wanted me to go up to my room and put more things in the bag. So I went begrudgingly back up to my room, and then realized he wanted me to take some of the very clothes that I was wearing and throw them in the bag as well.

I gathered some more items, including some bitter songs that I had written and threw it all in the bag and then ran back to the fire. I threw all of the stuff in, including the names and then got up and declared that I would no longer be held  back by what people thought of me or use my body to get love and affection, and the next guy that loved me was going to love me for me! I felt like I was freed up from years of striving to be loved for what I look like or what I do, and also truly done once and for all with the dirty sins of the past.

People were getting so much freedom from doing this. Several girls threw away their makeup because they felt God wanted them to just feel beautiful in him and not cover anything up. Another cut off approximately a foot of hair and threw it in the fire for the same reason. One guy went upstairs and grabbed his laptop, threw it in the fire, and declared that he was no longer going to be held back by lust or pornography. God was bringing SO MUCH FREEDOM!!!

The next day in lecture our speaker went up and said he didn't quite know what the Lord wanted to do so we were going to wait and hear from him. I felt strongly like we were supposed to pray for healing and so I threw that suggestion out.

A ton of people went up to the front of the room to be prayed for, and I didn't feel that I needed anything. Over the last few weeks I had been struggling with the fact that I was on medication for depression and didn't want to be. I had wanted God to heal me so badly but he wasn't doing it when I wanted him to. Finally I came to accept that God was going to use me whether I was on medication for it or he healed me, either way there was going to be glory brought to him.

I was sitting there just watching everyone, and then my best DTS friend Rachel said "Kristen! Get up here! This is for you too!"

I went and stood with everyone else and was praying in my head "Jesus, if you're going to heal my mind, I need you to make it extremely obvious because I'm way too scared to go off my medication without a huge sign that this is real"

John came over and prayed for me and my stomach kind of started to ache and I felt some stabbing pains in my head and I thought to myself "God is going to heal me today."

Then in my mind I saw a picture of wheels turning, and it was kind of like I saw that things were going to be realigned. Then people continued to come over and pray for me, and I began to feel light headed and weak in the knees. I felt breath on my neck and I thought someone was blowing on me, and I opened my eyes and looked around but no one was, and I realized then that the Holy Spirit was all over me.

Doubt began to creep into my mind and I thought to myself "I just want to get wrecked by God today. But it probably won't happen to me. It always happens to everyone else, but not to me." As soon as that thought entered my mind, John abolished those doubts by saying "Some of you feel left out, like God isn't going to do things for you like he does for everybody else. But he is, this is for YOU."

After this the thoughts that continued to flow through my mind were along the lines of:

"Baptize my mind" (over and over)\
"God, I want you transform my mind, renew it. It's yours."

I suddenly felt nauseous and light headed and like a heat wave went over my body and I collapsed backwards into the arms of the person behind me weeping. Someone placed a pillow beneath my head and covered me with a blanket and with my eyes closed I felt myself heaving forward and sobbing, almost dry heaving. I felt God healing me, and John came over and said "Get out, whatever this ailment is, get out!" Then he asked me "Do you want this to be gone?" to which I responded "Yes!"  He got me to repeat after him "I don't want this anymore, in the name of Jesus get out!" (honestly, I'm paraphrasing again, I can't remember exactly what was said) Then he told me that I had authority over this and I fell back onto the pillow exhausted, lightheaded, and with the realization that the Lord had just healed me of depression!

You guys, whoever is reading this, God has never been more real to me than he is now. I have never felt the Holy Spirit like I have felt him this week. I am so full to overflowing with joy and I truly feel so free from everything. Granted, I am exhausted and a little overwhelmed, but I can take rest in the fact that our God, the creator of the universe, cares about ME and my well being, and truly has his hand on my life and has nothing but the best in store for me.

I realize this is a lot of information, so I think I will stop here and perhaps update again in a couple of days.

Side note, I am leaving for Thailand in 4 FREAKING DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everything is the best.

 Your prayers, love, support and patience with me are all so appreciated.

xox

Like A Hand Out The Window In The Wind

"Days go by, I can feel 'em flying like a hand out the window in the wind!"

Cheesy to start a blog entry with a Keith Urban lyric? Maybe. But I feel like the last two months have gone by so dang fast! I am leaving for Thailand two weeks from tomorrow (15 days!) so I figured I may as well take advantage of the comfortable oasis I call my bedroom to fire off a couple more blog entries before I venture off to worlds unknown.

This weeks topic is Bible study, and I feel like my mind has been in a completely different place during our lectures. I have pages and pages full of writing but none of it to do with the task at hand. You see, a lot of you know that though the seasons are changing in the external world, this is also a time when, so to speak, seasons change within myself.

Something I've been learning about myself lately is that I am a control freak. Independence is my weakness. I feel like ever since I was young I've fought to make my own rules. I've been so desperate to grow up and be my own boss. Have my license, have my own car, my own house so that I could go where I wanted when I wanted on my own terms and come and go as I please.

Now I live in a dorm room. I have no car here. Recently my computer cord broke! I am on the same schedule as everyone else. I must obey the rules, although I often feel some of them are silly, this is the way it is. Things are no longer on my terms and problems can no longer be solved when/how I would like them to be solved.

I'm learning that it really is okay to accept the help of others that I've been trying so desperately to go without for so long. Being self reliant really isn't what I need. What I need is to learn to be fully dependent on God. Ultimately, I'm learning to die to myself on a daily basis. I'm learning to surrender the things I think are my rights, what I think is best for me and let God take the reigns of my life. When I'm in control things tend to go awry anyways.

I am not the boss of me.

I posted this and then I realized I forgot to explain what I meant by my "internal season change" statement.

Well, most of you know that it will be my daughter's third birthday in a month which is very exciting and also crazy to think about at the same time. It's hard for me to imagine what it would be like to have a little toddler running around right now. I am incredibly blessed to have that little girl and her family in my life, I truly love them so much and feel as though they are an extended part of my own family. Others of you who know me well know that there is more to it than just that, and that this time of year has been incredibly hard for me for the last few years.

I have been prone to giving into patterns. Patterns of giving up, and giving into depression, sadness, bad habits, old ways. This year however, I insist it will be different. We're going to be spending the next two months in a sunny climate, and am going to use that as a metaphor to impart sunshine into my mood, into my mind and I am going to break the patterns. Well, not alone of course...

I want the people at home reading this to know that you frequent my prayers, and that I appreciate yours SO much.

xo

Beauty From Ashes

I feel as though I left that last entry incomplete, but you see I had far more pressing matters to attend to. I won't go into detail about it, but it may or may not involve the television show "Gossip Girl" and my best DTS friend Rachel...

Anyways, allow me to explain what I meant by that cliffhanger ending.

Isaiah 61:1-3 has been a big theme in my life for quite some time now. Some of you know that I have Isaiah 61:3 tattooed on my wrist, and that's because "beauty from ashes" was a giant breakthrough I made the first year after I had Peyton/placed her for adoption.

One of my favorite metaphors to use is forest fires. It may not be entirely accurate, but allow me to explain to you what I do know. Or what I think I know... When the foliage burns down, it appears to be a desolate wasteland for quite sometime. But after awhile things start to grow back, and when they do it comes back more lush than ever before. More beautiful. This is how I viewed my life for quite some time. I felt like it was in the wasteland stage for a really long time but then slowly little bits of life began to poke through the ashes. I feel like my life is now in a more beautiful state than it has maybe ever been. That was my interpretation of  "beauty for ashes."

I feel like the Lord has placed a calling on my life to use the things I have been through to show people who feel hopeless that there is hope. To show people who feel brokenhearted and loveless that there is a way to feel whole again and to find a way back to their First Love. He has set me free, and it would be selfish of me to not share the way to that freedom with others.

I want to have His heart for those who need love, joy, hope, who feel like they have no meaning or purpose or direction.

So, now I feel like that is complete. I will let you take a break from my blog now.

Love you all, thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to read what I have to say and for supporting me with your thoughts and prayers :)

Your Love Is Everything

Aloha!

I felt like that greeting was appropriate to counteract the arctic tundra that is Lakeside Montana these days. Although, in less than three weeks I will be leaving the frozen lands and a more appropriate greeting will then be "Sawadika" from balmy Thailand!

I can't believe how fast the last couple months have flown by and consequentially, this time warp has caused a considerable lag in my blogging.

So before I begin to fill you in on the events of this past month  I feel that I must forewarn you of what could be quite the lengthy update.

Ready? Ok.

My last update told all about my trip to Oregon and how I felt that God was truly breaking my walls down brick by brick, ridding me of all my dirty old security blankets. And that truly was the start of something amazing in my life. We returned home to Montana and settled in to prepare ourselves for the next week which was relationships week. I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that this was going to be a huge turning point in my heart and in my relationship with God, as I had been wrestling with a lot of things internally ever since our trip to Salem.

The first day of relationship confirmed those feelings. Our speaker told us that in no way were we ready or capable to be in a relationship unless the following things were true of ourselves.
1. Authenticity with God and others (Rid yourself of all secrets)
2. Freedom from the past. (The first step to freedom is always honesty)
3. Letting go of power and control and yielding to Jesus
"Those who lose their life will find it"
4. Embrace grief and loss
5. You rest and have limits and values
6. Love well

This was all very difficult for me to hear, because I knew I still had a lot of secrets, I hadn't forgiven myself or fully accepted God's forgiveness. Not only that, I was still a complete control freak. I hadn't accepted all of the crap that had happened in the past, and I was still wrestling with so much guilt and shame. There was so much inner turmoil after this, and I began to feel in my heart like I needed to confess out loud to God what was going on in my heart and that someone I trusted needed to hear it, but I felt afraid and I felt ashamed, even though I knew how much power there was in words.

After this, we dove into studying Song of Songs and what true love is supposed to be like. We discussed what a relationship betweem a man and a woman is supposed to be like and I realized that what I've known in the past is NOT love. Love between a man and woman is meant to be exclusive, including sex. Covenant oneneness. And I personally am WORTH the pursuit of exclusiveness.

A relationship is meant to be a safe place between a man and woman, we are supposed to guard each others hearts. We need to have on our minds "How close can I get this person to Jesus?" not "What's in this for me?"

This was all a lot for me to hear, but words cannot express how much I needed to hear it and how it totally revolutionized my ideas of love, sex, relationships and even men in general.

Another really valid point the speaker had, was that if a romantic relationship is hard, it's not right. He didn't mean little fights here and there. He meant if the relationship is a chore it is NOT right.

So, back to me. Amidst all of this, I was completely warring with myself as to whether or not it was important to word-vomit, so to speak, as I felt I needed to. The thing is, there is so much power in words, and I feel like that is one way the enemy tries to gain power over a person. The lies we believe and choose to keep to ourselves and in our head because we are ashamed don't belong there, and if it takes saying it out loud to get it out and realize you're forgiven, then that's what needs to be done. So that's what I did. And that was the beginning of the realization of God's true forgiveness for me. That night we had a worship session and we were singing songs and talking a lot about God's love and trusting him, and I really began to believe it that night. I realized that as long as I had Jesus by my side, holding my hand for the rest of my life, I could truly trust that I was going to be okay. I have it made.

I truly feel as though I have been restored, renewed and redeemed. I feel that I have a new faith and trust in God that I have never had before and I am hearing his voice in a completely new way.

We also had weeks of hearing God's voice and Holy Spirit week, which kind of lumped into one for me, and the biggest thing for me at the end of those 2 weeks was when at the end of last week our leaders anointed us with oil and prophesied over us.

Isaiah 61:1-3

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
   because the LORD has anointed me
   to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
   to proclaim freedom for the captives
   and release from darkness for the prisoners,^[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
   and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
 ³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
   instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
   instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
   instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
   a planting of the LORD
   for the display of his splendor.

I feel as though God really wants me to go out and show the world his love. To proclaim freedom and good news!

Anyways, more to come, hopefully sooner next time...

xox

Brick By Brick

I am currently updating my blog from Salem, Oregon, which is where my DTS group went on our mini outreach. 

It's day three and I must admit, I am exhausted from the constant activity and different structure!  Turns out, a lot of what we are doing here is community building between our (the Montana) and the Salem DTS. We are also going out into the streets of Salem and evangelizing there, which is a little nerve-wracking for me, but also really exciting and I love it. This has been a really great experience so far and I'm excited for the rest of the week!

A recurring theme for the past little while has been that I need to "let go." This has been frustrating for me, because I haven't been entirely certain of what to let go of, or even how to do it! 

Lately people have been telling me "You are destined for greatness!" Which has been a really hard concept for me to grasp, as it is hard for me to imagine ever being anybody but this hurt, confused, broken mess that I feel like I've been for the last few years. The past few weeks have been a constant battle of ups and downs, and letting God pour into the parts of my heart that I've never let him into before. The darkest corners, and the deepest cracks. I feel as though finally I am really grasping what it means to be healed and set free. Not to say that God hasn't been doing some work in me, because he is always at work, but now I feel like I am finally starting to connect the things I know in my head with my heart. 

Yesterday in our sessions a lot of what we were talking about was letting go of the things we were holding onto like a dirty, ratty security blanket. I realized not only did I need to let go of the hurts and shame, but I needed to let go of that old identity in it's entirety and finally be ready to step forward into this new identity I have and truly begin to become the person that God has called me to be. 

We wrote down all of our fears and doubts, regrets and shame and insecurities, the things that were holding us back, on pieces of paper and threw them in a fire. I realize that's symbolic, but I pray that those things remain ashes and from those ashes rise a more beautiful and confident version of myself with such a strong desire to seek God's calling on my life. 

I know these changes aren't going to be instant, but I can feel myself becoming restored a little bit more every day. My confidence, my trust, I feel as though I am seeing and receiving truth in a new way. 

Also, just a little side note. I am recording a song for our music track and I'm super excited about it. It's called "Brick by Brick" and the lyrics are a pretty good representation of the things God is doing in me.

Brick By Brick

Climb my mountains

Swim across my raging seas

Break down my walls, brick by brick

Smash my heart of stone

Melt the ice around my soul

Wash the dirt from my wounds

Break me down brick by brick

You look me in the eyes and call me yours

Beloved, your scars are beautiful

You hold me in your arms so tight

You'll never let me go

This is a love so unbreakable and pure

And I'm forever yours

Scale this tower I've built

To keep myself safe from the world

You're unraveling my defenses

You're breaking me brick by brick

And what I know with my mind I'm learning with my heart

And you'll keep chasing me, no matter where I run

This is a battle you've already won

                                     Kristen Andruckow

xox

Where you lead, I will follow.

 

"I've been running, trying to be one who sees
I've been working, this salvation out on my knees
There is nothing better than knowing
We are redeemed
I'm believing, trusting in creative hands,
I am praying for our world to bow to your plan
And this one thought is unmistakable
To take up my cross and follow You Lord

When You stand, the tall tress and mountains bow
When You speak, the fiercest of oceans is still
And I see the sinner seek devotion
The lost become chosen, and I fall to my knees

I'm forgiven by a Savior who did not deserve death
He was blameless and I was lost in shamefulness
Undelivered, but it doesn't seem right
Unless I keep my eyes focues on the Savior who gave His life
In the middle of a world that denies it believes
It is breaking apart at the very seams
There is one thing to be alive for
And it's to take up my cross and follow You Lord
When You stand, the tall trees and mountains bow
When You speak, the fiercest of oceans is still
And I see the sinner seek devotion
The lost become chosen, and I fall to my knees

I will take up my cross and follow Lord where You lead me
And I will take up my cross and follow wherever you go"

Devotion - Hillsong United

Let's redefine what it means to heal

Hello everybody!

Turns out I am the worlds WORST blogger! Have you noticed??

I don't even know where to begin, so I guess I will split the weeks up into their own little paragraphs!

Also, I found out where I'm going for my outreach: NORTHERN THAILAND!!!!!!!!!!

FATHER HEART OF GOD
This week was all about learning how God really is your true Father. This week was huge for me. I have been spending a lot time searching for my identity in things other than God, and the huge word I got this week was that His name is my name. My identity is in Him. During one of our sessions the speaker asked us to stand up if people have called you arrogant or prideful, if you felt like that was your name. For some reason I felt like I was supposed to stand up, I really didn't want to...so I wrestled with it and then finally stood up. When the speaker saw me stand up, he looked at me and totally called me out "You, blondie in the back...I was hoping you would stand up. You weren't going to were you." And I don't really remember what he said after that, but one of our staff members came and prayed for me, and one of the things she prayed over me was that God said "I was never afraid to call you mine, I was never ashamed of you"

Psalm 56:8, Luke 6:21-22, Isaiah 41:10, Matthew 11:28-31 were all big verses for me that week.

"Freedom reveals your heart by the extremes we're willing to give."

God's love is:
A freeing love
Free from comparison.

THE BASICS OF CHRISTIANITY
Christianity is about public truth! It's about historical events and eyewitness accounts!
Our speakers for this week were Ron and Judy Smith who have both read the Bible cover to cover like a million times...not literally....but maybe because they've lost count. They are so wise and I have so much respect for them! One day I hope to have read through the Bible a few times haha... anyways.
This week actually made me want to read about other history from this time just so I could back myself up..it was all so interesting!

To inspire us to want us to read our Bible's more, Ron asked  us what our favorite food was, and then after our mouths were all watering he told us to pray this simple prayer whenever we ate "Lord, help me to love your word like my favorite food!"

Also during this week he gave us the verse Zephania 3:17 which I loved and really spoke to my heart.

On Wednesday night of that week (which was last week by the way), I was feeling really frustrated. Sometimes it's so annoying for me that God isn't tangible. I wish he could come scoop me up and give me a big hug and look me in the eyes and tell me I'm beautiful and that he loves me. Even though I should know that, it's hard to have faith sometimes. So the next morning I prayed that God would speak to me, like literally...with words. So the session began and first they made us rate our relationship with God...I didn't put down a number...but after talking about it for awhile, Judy opened up to the book of John.

In the book of John, John referred to himself as "the disciple whom Jesus loved",  because Jesus loved him, and all of us so much, if he were to rate his relationship with God he would give it a 10 out of 10. I probably didn't write that as clearly as I should have, but you get the idea.

Next they played a video (I don't remember what it was called or I would post a link for you) but it was about how we are God's beloved, and I felt like the guy in the video was speaking to me the whole time.
"You are my beloved, on you my favor rests"
"You are my beloved child"
"The voice who calls you beloved is the voice of the FIRST LOVE"
"I am the beloved daughter of God, even though I am rejected, that can become like a pruning."

I am my beloveds, and He is mine.

Needless to say, that prayer was answered!

Onto this week! MISSIONS!
"Jesus is for all people and nations"

Basically, they are telling us a lot about the history of missions which is super interesting for me, and also tonight we had a big session about unreached people groups which set me completely on fire for missions.

"Love so amazing, so divine, demands my life, my soul my all"

If you want to know more about this, let me know, I have a lot written down about said people groups and I can definitely find out more or send you links so just let me know!

"Every follower of Christ has the responsibility and joy of participating in the great commission"

Anyways, I think that I will leave it at that for now...my laundry is finished and it is late...yes that's right, I did my laundry!

xo

He calls me lovely.

Well, here I am. Lakeside, Montana.

If you had told me at this time last year I would be here I would be like, are you serious? 

If you recall, I was in hair school...as you can see that worked out really well.

I am so happy things fell into place the way they did to bring me to Lakeside. I truly feel that this is where I need to be at this point in my life. 

There are so many things I feel like I could say and I've hit backspace and typed approximately 9 sentences in place of this one, but this would turn into the worlds longest blog entry and quite frankly, I don't feel like writing an essay.

So instead of giving you a play by play of everything that has happened since my arrival, I will instead give you a brief synopsis and tell you how God is going to rock my world.

Arrival. Unpacking. Deep slumber and lethargy/hibernation with intermittent interruptions all day Thursday. Friday I got out of my room and trekked into town (Kalispell) with another girl who I found out was here and some staff. Saturday a ton of people arrived. Bonding. Found a ton of musical folk and played music til the cows came home. Just kidding no cows. Lots of music. Made friends. Still making friends. 

I will however dig a little bit deeper into the events of my Sunday night sleep catastrophe because that leads me into what I feel will be a huge theme of the next 5 months.

Looks like you're getting an essay after all...

As I lay tossing and turning in my little bed on Sunday night it became the delicate hour of 1 am and I had reached the insomniacs stage of rage, you know, the one where you are so pissed that you can't sleep that everything infuriates you.

I was talking to Kara, and somehow my confidence got brought up. I was really annoyed because that was like the third time that had been brought to the table that day. The issue of loving myself, confidence, self esteem, and that was when I realized that was a huge thing I needed to work through. 

One of my huge goals for this year is to break free from all the lies and all the hurt and to see myself truly as God sees me, and to love myself, and to exude confidence because I deserve to! 

When I get a chance later I will post some key scriptures for me, and I will keep adding onto them.

Another really cool thing, if you know me at all you know that music is a very important part of me. 

Well, this base is big into music and arts, and there are tracks that you can sign up for, so I have signed up to be a part of the music track. Basically, just something you do apart from your regular classes to learn how to use your passions in ministry. I am so excited for this. When I went to PLBC  I was not ready for this, but now that I have had a couple of years, I really do think that I am somehow called to use music as a ministry tool, because God has given me that gift and I want to give back to him with it.

This blog is going to be a chance for those of you reading it to see my heart transparent because I really want you to see what God is doing for me while I am here, and if you're reading it...and if you've gotten to the end of this I know that means you probably care enough to see that in me.

Stay tuned cause it's only day two and God is already showing me so much.

xoxo

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love ya, Tomorrow....

Well, right of the bat I need to warn you of a few things.

1. I don't even know how to use this thing. So it might look like a 3 year old did it.

2. My posts might be few and far between, but I started this blog to keep you (my friends and family) updated on the goings on of my trip while I am away for the next 6 months, so forgive me if this happens.

3. I know a few means at least 3, right? So I figured I should add a third point.

So I'm leaving to embark on this 6, 5.5 whatever month journey tomorrow and I am so nervous! I am also not even completely packed so that's good! If you could see my room though, you would see that there are little stacks everywhere meaning that there is progress happening.

I have some requests for you, my friends and family, while I am away...if anyone is even reading this or  if is even set up properly...lost somewhere in the interwebs...

If you guys could pray for my health that would be fabulous, we all know I am prone to be sickly, and I just don't want to be. And just general prayer for strength and comfort and just that the Lord will do some amazing things in my life.

I am so excited to see what happens, this is such an amazing opportunity for me and I am so thankful for all of you guys' support and prayer already! I will miss you all!

xo.