Cheesy to start a blog entry with a Keith Urban lyric? Maybe. But I feel like the last two months have gone by so dang fast! I am leaving for Thailand two weeks from tomorrow (15 days!) so I figured I may as well take advantage of the comfortable oasis I call my bedroom to fire off a couple more blog entries before I venture off to worlds unknown.
This weeks topic is Bible study, and I feel like my mind has been in a completely different place during our lectures. I have pages and pages full of writing but none of it to do with the task at hand. You see, a lot of you know that though the seasons are changing in the external world, this is also a time when, so to speak, seasons change within myself.
Something I've been learning about myself lately is that I am a control freak. Independence is my weakness. I feel like ever since I was young I've fought to make my own rules. I've been so desperate to grow up and be my own boss. Have my license, have my own car, my own house so that I could go where I wanted when I wanted on my own terms and come and go as I please.
Now I live in a dorm room. I have no car here. Recently my computer cord broke! I am on the same schedule as everyone else. I must obey the rules, although I often feel some of them are silly, this is the way it is. Things are no longer on my terms and problems can no longer be solved when/how I would like them to be solved.
I'm learning that it really is okay to accept the help of others that I've been trying so desperately to go without for so long. Being self reliant really isn't what I need. What I need is to learn to be fully dependent on God. Ultimately, I'm learning to die to myself on a daily basis. I'm learning to surrender the things I think are my rights, what I think is best for me and let God take the reigns of my life. When I'm in control things tend to go awry anyways.
I am not the boss of me.
I posted this and then I realized I forgot to explain what I meant by my "internal season change" statement.
Well, most of you know that it will be my daughter's third birthday in a month which is very exciting and also crazy to think about at the same time. It's hard for me to imagine what it would be like to have a little toddler running around right now. I am incredibly blessed to have that little girl and her family in my life, I truly love them so much and feel as though they are an extended part of my own family. Others of you who know me well know that there is more to it than just that, and that this time of year has been incredibly hard for me for the last few years.
I have been prone to giving into patterns. Patterns of giving up, and giving into depression, sadness, bad habits, old ways. This year however, I insist it will be different. We're going to be spending the next two months in a sunny climate, and am going to use that as a metaphor to impart sunshine into my mood, into my mind and I am going to break the patterns. Well, not alone of course...
I want the people at home reading this to know that you frequent my prayers, and that I appreciate yours SO much.
xo
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